Web Archive

Bush wins the election. He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near
the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans
over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?" She's
horrified!
She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era
of
moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I
voted for you," and she marches off.
Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'

I found this tonight and I thought I'd post it here.

Why God? - Suite101.com
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/5839/44385

A Christmas gift from Garcia Marquez
'Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the great Colombian writer, has retired from
public
life due to worsening lymphatic cancer. He has sent this farewell letter
to
his many friends around the world. I hope you enjoy it.

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and
the other is getting it. "
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

In a message dated 12/12/00 6:28:38 PM Mid-Atlantic Standard Time,
MATCON715@... writes:

Dear Group,
I drew you a cartoon. I hope you like it.
Connie

That was cute! Reminds me of my neice when she was little--one scoop of ice
cream to her meant using the biggest spoon in the kitchen!
Donna

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and
the other is getting it. "
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Dear Group,
I drew you a cartoon. I hope you like it.
Connie

When I lived in upstate New York I met a lot of Bubbas they are not just
in the south. I am proud to be from the south.
Jackie
On Thu, 7 Dec 2000 09:45:23 -0600 Heather L Powell <nkfpowell@...

New Contract for Santa" - Rated PG
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the
following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the
new and better contract, I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . "
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The
last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One
is Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is
a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and
It's a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead,
you'll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark
Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By
a Reindeer."
Sincerely,
Santa Clause (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than
an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only
time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that
would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But
it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn
upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
[As sure as night follows the day . .. ..]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But
wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I
gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat
nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
-- End --
Dale Ester
<dalee@...

* Celebration of Life
On my way home from coaching basketball yesterday, I was listening to WGN;
my favorite talk radio station out of Chicago. I could tell right away that
there was something wrong by the somber mood of the speaker. There had been
a plane crash. Two small planes collided into each other over a northern
suburb of Chicago. What made the story hit close to home was that Bob
Collins, the morning show man for WGN, was the pilot of one of the planes
and had been killed. (I'm sure that many readers have tuned in "Uncle
Bobby" on their car radios in the Midwest.) Later that night, as I made my
40 minute drive to my third shift job, I listened as the station reminisced
and paid tribute to a man who was loved by many. They told story after
story, describing him as the ultimate friend, and a man who had lived life
to the fullest. Genuine love and affection poured in from all over the
country. The more I listened about how this man had influenced those around
him, the more discouraged I became.
Why you ask?
I was discouraged because I wanted to know why we as a culture, wait until
somebody has passed away before we tell them how much we love them? Why do
we wait until someone's ears can't hear before we let them how much they
mean to us? Why do we wait until it is too late before we recall the good
qualities of a person? Why do we build someone up after they have gone into
eternity? What good does it do then! We share memory after memory, as we
laugh, cry, and think back about what was positive in a person's life. Yes,
it does help us cope with the grief of losing someone that was special to
us. And yes it does bring those who are coping, closer together. But as we
lovingly remember this person, our words fall short of the ears that most
needed to hear them.
Just once I would like to see a celebration of life, instead of a gathering
of death. A celebration where stories are told, eyes mist over, laughter
rings out; and as the speaker concludes his or her loving tribute, the
person they are honoring rises from their chair and gives them the biggest
bear hug! Wouldn't that be something! The special person gets to hear the
stories and come to the realization that they have made a difference on
this earth. And all this is done well before they leave their earthly
bodies and go into eternity. And when the inevitable funeral finally
comes, we can say good bye with the knowledge that they knew exactly how
people felt about them while they were here on earth.
I now have a stronger resolve to tell those around me how much they mean to
me. I am going to let my wife know just how loved and appreciated she is,
not only by my words, but also by my actions. I am going to play Batman
with my four year old more often, and in the middle of our romping, I am
going to grab him, hug him tightly, and tell him how thankful I am that he
is my son. I am going to sneak into my sleeping toddler's bedroom, place my
lips on his chubby cheek, and thank God for the bundle of joy he has
brought into my life. Each day I will make a point to tell both of my boys
how much I love them, whether they are four or eighteen! From there, I am
going to let family and friends know the tremendous impact they have had on
my life. And last but not least, I am going to let the high school players
I coach know that I look forward to each and every minute that I get to
spend with them in the gym.
Do you love someone? Then tell them! Has someone been an influence in your
life? Then give them a call! Has someone made a difference in your life?
Then write them a letter or send them an email! Don't let another day go
by without letting that person know. There is something special about a
written letter that expresses feelings of love towards another. I don't
know about you, but I have letters and cards from people that I have saved
for years, and from time to time, I get them out and reread them. They can
turn a depressing day into one where you realize just how blessed and loved
you are.
Life is too short to leave kind words unsaid. The words you say, or the
letter you write, might just make all the difference in the world.
Michael T. Powers
Copyright (c) 2000. All rights reserved
So where is the hope and where is the faith
And the love...what's that you say to me
Does love...light up your Christmas Tree?
U2

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the
conversation ...
Read aloud for best results. "Tenjewberrymud"
Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after
reading this.
The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room
service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far
East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye .. Ruin sorbees ... Morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"
G: "Uh .. yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den? .. pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem ... crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July san tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes
means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! ... Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English Muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast' Fine, yes, an
English
muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No ... just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad ...?"
G: "I mean butter ... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy ... tea ... mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy
singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... ... ... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome."
Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that
are gone in the shortest while.
- Simone Weil

Remember that old Charlie Daniels song, "The Devil went down to Georgia"?
Well, here's a new version entitled:
AL GORE WENT DOWN TO FLORIDA
Al Gore went down to Florida
He was lookin' for an election to steal.
He was in a bind
Cause he was way behind,
And he was willin' to cut a deal.
When he came across a Gov'ner
Knawin' on a victory and chewin' hard
Veep Gore jumped up on a hickory stump
and said, "Gov, let me tell you what"
"I bet you didn't know it but I'm a contender in Florida too,
and if you care to take a dare,
I'll make a bet with you.
Now you ran a good campaign down here,
but give Al Gore his due.
I'll bet a nation of gold and the white house it holds,
that I got more votes than you!"
The gov'ner said, "My names Dubya and it might be a sin....
But I'll take that bet,
your gonna regret,
cause this Texan always wins"
(Chorus)
Dubya rally up your troops and fight for that vote hard.
Cause Al Gores loose in Florida and Bill Daley holds the cards.
If you win you get that shiny nation, made of gold,
but if you lose, then Al Gore gets con-trol.
Al Gore opened up his mouth
and said "I'll start this show"
And fire burned in the eyes of lawyers,
who knew they'd make some dough.
And he pulled his hand across his lips,
and he made an evil grin.
Then in walked all the Palm Beach voters,
Dubya's chances were lookin' thin.
(Guitar/bass solo)
When Al Gore finished, Dubya said...
"Well, your pretty good ol' son
Now plant your but in that chair right there
and let me show you how it's done!"
(Chorus II)
Dems in the orange groves,
Run George, Run.
You can't lose now in the land of the sun.
Your dads on your side and your brothers' in tow,
Gore in the White House,
God, Please NO!
(Fast Fiddle/Guitar solo)
Al Gore bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
He conceded that golden nation on the Ground at Dubya's feet.
Dubya said, "Gore, just come on back if ya ever wanna try again,
cause I told you once you tree huggin' dunce,
this Texan always wins!"

Old Patients never die they just ... run forever?
Jenny

Don't take offense if you live in Florida :-) It's just all in good fun
THE PALM BEACH POKEY
You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!

Hi, Bill!
I noticed the above at the end of one of your posts. We on this list
should think of an ending for "Old Dialysis Patients Never Die - They Just"
what?
Lee

A Martha StewartThanksgiving..Not
Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that
are gone in the shortest while.
- Simone Weil

London 8th November, 2000
Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that
are gone in the shortest while.
- Simone Weil

Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that
are gone in the shortest while.
- Simone Weil

Hi, Robin!
"You WEIGHED yourself WRONG! That's why
you had cramps!"
I would have said, "The scale wasn't zeroed properly." *That* would have
taken the blame off of you!
Lee

Hi, Barbara!
My nurses have told me that, too. I just say I'm a tough guy!
Lee

good luck....George W

They are for intelligent grown-ups with a firm grasp of the language. Most
children do not have the language skills necessary. But then, how are you
defining children? Some would say a person of any age who likes puns is a
child.
Ken S. (home of Sydney the kidney)

[Unable to display image]

Well, I tried twice to send a picture of a FL vote joke but couldn't get it
to go through. Maybe someone could privately e-mail me directions. I have
it in my scanner. Maybe gregg stropoli could help me. I always get his
jokes OK. Thanks.
Connie

Are puns for children or groan-ups?

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it,
but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay
and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no
one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a
fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for
weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going
into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you
should do the same. "The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night
each went to town.
The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and talked
and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight.
The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One
o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she
began to worry.
At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by
her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you,
right?"
"Well, yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
He did as she asked.
"Now take off my shoes."
He did.
"Now take off my stockings."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties."
And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said; "Don't ever wear my clothes to town
again."

Broom Closet
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of
course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom
looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over
and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
It's really gonna grab ya!
Here it comes........
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let
there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and
the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan
said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air
and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing
that crept upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And
Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought
forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize
them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that
man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5
pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and
Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart
healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak
so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20
pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth
the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man
clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs

I surely hope this isn't true, as our educational system really needs to be
upgraded, if this is true!!!!!
The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry
does not own the sun.
- Ralph Nader

One night, Tim the happy Polack was walking home when, all
of a sudden, a mugger jumped on him. Tim and the mugger
were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and
Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the mugger managed
to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The mugger then went through Tim's pockets and searched him.
All the mugger could find on Tim was 25 cents.
The mugger was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he
had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were
after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKE
1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to California. because it's cool
2000: Moving to California. because it's warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Popping pills, Smoking Joints
2000: Popping Joints
1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Greatful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

Why did the chicken cross the road?
BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's what "they" call it -- the "other side."
And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file important documents, and balance your checkbook.
And oh yes, Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by "chicken"?
Could you define "chicken" please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

(Author unknown)

I don't know. What DO you call a dog's intestines?
Connie <---getting ready to LOL

These encouraging words have really helped get me through some tough moments.
Connie
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow-
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out-
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Hi, All!
Sometimes I drive myself crazy. I woke up yesterday and, out of the
blue, I thought up a terrible pun/riddle. Here it is:
What do you call a dog's intestines?
It's bow-wow-els.
Lee

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a land mass and said
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's New Jersey, the most glorious place on Earth. There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from New
Jersey are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to
be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking
and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouthed bastards I'm putting
next to them in New York."

(I recevied this from a 100% blind female friend who still can enjoy humor
about her condition. What a gal!)
-----
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave
and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured
them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off
immediately thereafter.
The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'
uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and
the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit.
The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster
down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed
straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property.
It begins to look as though the plane will never take off-but will plow
into the water!!
Suddenly, panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that exact moment, the
plane rotates and lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and
nervously laugh a little sheepishly sigh of relief. Soon they have all
retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
in good hands. It took off safely, didn't it?
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all
'gonna die!"
--###--

This is supposedly how some terms came about to be used in language today.
***********************************
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if
they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake".
***********************************
England is old and small, and they started running out of places to
bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to
a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins,
one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside
and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought
they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the
bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift", they would know that someone
was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
************************************
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they
were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hid
the b.o. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all
the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of
all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath
water".
*************************************
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the pets -- dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, rats, bats) lived
in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes
the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's
raining cats and dogs".
**************************************
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors
which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on
the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept
adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all
start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way,
hence a "thresh-hold".
***************************************
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
mostly ate vegetables an didn't get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight
and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had
food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: "peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old".
****************************************
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when
that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon
and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that
a man "could really bring home the bacon". They would cut a little
to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
*****************************************
Those with money had plates made of pewter. But most people didn't
have pewter plates, but had trenchers -- a piece of wood with the middle
scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and lot
of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers,
they would get "trench mouth."
*****************************************
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
the "upper crust".
***************************
Or so the sayings go.
--End --

Some Reflections

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is -- no pain, no pain.
3. However, I am in shape. Round is a shape.
4. One of the mysteries of WWII is why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I always wanted to be somebody, but maybe I should have been more specific.
7. If you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
8. Anyone driving slower than me is pretty much an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
9. My mother wanted to stay in shape. She started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. My friend has six locks on his door, all in a row. When he goes out, he locks every other one. He figures that no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you.
12. On TV, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. But if you have a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. My wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket, and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too."

This is a downloadable cartoon I saw in the paper. It's been virus checked
with Norton Anti-Virus 2001 so it's safe!
Donna
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment"

W. Franklin Evans, Ph.D.
TSU - College of Education
Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida a little boy decided
to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to
dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes,
socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as
he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward
the shore.
His mother, in the house was looking out the window, saw the two as they
got closer and closer together. In utter fear, she ran toward the water,
yelling to her son as loudly as she could. Hearing her voice, the little
boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his mother.
It was too late. Just as he reached her, the alligator reached him. From
the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as the
alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between
the two.
The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much
too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard her
screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy
survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the
animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his mother's
fingernails dug into his flesh in her effort to hang on to the son she
loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if
he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great
scars on my arms, too. I have them because my mom wouldn't let go."
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not
from an alligator, or anything quite so dramatic. But, the scars of a
painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep
regret.
But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In
the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you. The
Scripture teaches that God loves you. If you have Christ in your life, you
have become a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in
every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations. The
swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy
is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-o-war begins, and if you have
the scars of His love on your arms be very, very grateful. He did not -
and will not - let you go.
Time is a very precious gift of God; so precious that it's only given to
us moment by moment.
-- Author Unknown
--End--

<< Subject: Hallmark Cards to live by.
FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.
FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my
back? You'll probably need it again.
FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.
FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder:
INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?
FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
FRONT: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids
and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!
FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.
FRONT: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.
FRONT: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.
FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment"

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records
as dictated by physicians.
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third
day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the
past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment"

I sent this to a fellow transplantee friend of mine, Jim Perry, and he,
being of very good humor, added...
The nephrologists thought they should wait 24 hours to get clearance.
Any others?

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the
hospital. What did they do?
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had
a gut feeling about it. The neurologists thought the administration had
a lot of nerve. The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pathologists yelled,
"over my dead body!" The pediatricians said, "grow up."
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears." The psychiatrists thought
it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists
thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons said, "this
puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a
big step forward. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane
** The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
** There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray .
** You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic
tag in the middle of them.
** The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of
your ankle.
** The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
** There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an
address.
** You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
** There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at Everything.
** You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
** Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
** You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
** You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
** Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a
reading.
** A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but
buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
** You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry
comes out covered with lint.
** The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish
crossing.
** A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
** You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.
** You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
** Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
** You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.
** You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that
you're just browsing.
The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry
does not own the sun.
- Ralph Nader

SEVEN WORDS OF WELL-BEING
*MOVE*
Your address, your bed, your body, your bookshelf.
Take a walk, take a hike, take a step away from
stagnating jobs, relationships and life patterns.
Change perspective. Move closer to people who meet
you with authenticity and nourish your wildest dreams.
You don't have to move mountains, shifting a single
pebble can work wonders.
*TOUCH*
Touch the part of your own body that you love. Embrace
in the bakery, in the parking lot, in the doorways all
over town. Kiss people on the cheek. Stroke your
cat more, pet your dog more. Savor the sensation of
a silky scarf, of a well-sanded piece of wood, of the
triad of textures in an Almond Joy. Moss, bark, rocks
and the water work, too. The more you do it, the less
you bump up against the "ouch" in touch.
* LISTEN*
Sit in silence and see how much there is to hear.
Listen to people. What are they really saying? Listen
to the very last notes of every song. Listen to your
own inner voice - the one you hear only when the dim
of every day is diminished. Hear the rustle of a
leaf, the call of a bullfrog,the pop and crackle of
your wood stove. Listen with your toes, listen with
your heart and always listen to that which is never
spoken.
*FEEL*
Feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll
surely evaporate. Stop holding back from laughing
with your belly, loving from the deepest places of
your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life
itself. When another's disregard or arrogance enrages
you, feel the anger rise up and roar! If you're not
truly feeling, you're not truly alive - you're just
going through the motions.
*TRUST*
Stop second-guessing yourself. You know what you
know, you know? That inner tickling is your highest
truth. It will serve you well; the backfire comes
when you deny or discount it. Take in information,
from all sides, yet trust, in the end, that you -
and you alone - know what's best for you. If all day
you pine to paint,then that is what you must do. If
you ache to walk beside the ocean, find a way to get
there. Without complete trust, you are left only to
rust.
*GATHER*
Gather together with women and men you love. Sip tea
together, walk in the woods together, talk and talk
and talk, read aloud to each other, do absolutely
nothing together. Revel in how your hair and your
skin and your bodies and your stories are so different
- and so utterly alike. Cook and eat
together, stand beside the washing machine and cry and
hug and wail together. And most assuredly, laugh
together until your sides ache.
*RECEIVE*
For once, stop giving, giving, giving to everyone but
yourself. Accept a compliment with grace. Voice
what you need - be it a hug, a moment of talk, food
for your table, a loan of money - and know that it
will be provided. Loosen your white-knuckled, stressed-out
grasp on life, and then let the palms of your hands
fill to overflowing. Know that you deserve all you
receive, and remember to show your gratitude for the
sheer magnificence of a life lived well.
--
The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry
does not own the sun.
- Ralph Nader

;

There was a 10 year old boy, who's left arm was damaged and

A fellow was reading the paper one day, lamenting the fact that his

_____NetZero Free Internet Access and Email______
http://www.netzero.net/download/index.html

Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob, went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big
bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to
death.
Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven,
gentlemen.
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we
do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One
rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks,
then they all quack, and it just goes on and on." That sounded simple
enough.
They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there
were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck
quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just
went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly
homely woman in tow.
"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He
chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together
forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on
a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible
commotion that just went on and on.
Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I
warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished."
With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will
be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck.
One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He
chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever
more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a
duck..."

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Think you're an organ donor?
Not if you haven't told you family.....
Sign your Donor Card and tell your family!

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet,"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll "give" you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MOM!
Think you're an organ donor?
Not if you haven't told you family.....
Sign your Donor Card and tell your family!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to
a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his
window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey,
buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your
Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes
I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a
fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back
seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes,
I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey,
you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in
the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now,
says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you
got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my
Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the
Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer,
where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in
the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of
the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb,
complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly
a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo,
and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds
the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the
inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on
the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and
knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out,
soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got
me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains.
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21 Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going
the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability
to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to Golf
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
"Ut sementem feceris, ita metes." [As you sow, so shall you reap.]
(_8^(|)

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH ....HIGH TECH
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to
eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for
dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor
yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle
soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you
to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen
saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address
at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date
and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or
debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-
it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in
person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your
E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it.

Rated G
Minor operation: one performed on somebody else.
Secret: something you tell one person at a time.
Diet: a short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds.
Junk: something you keep ten years and then throw away two weeks before you
need it.
Perfect timing: being able to turn off the 'hot' and 'cold' shower faucets at
the same time.

In a message dated 8/13/00 9:23:58 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
MATCON715@... writes:
I second that motion!
Toni

Could we rate the jokes, like a movie (G, PG, PG-13, R, X) somewhere in the
subject box or at the beginning of the joke before we send it. That way
people who don't care for the R and X are warned and can delete them before
reading. Thank you.
Connie
10 years hemo
'Don't Ever Give Up'

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that
offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a
public service, we present the following list of "I Love You"
variations and how to recognise them:
**The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your
computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
**The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed
with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer
function.
**The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer,
but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer
that it really wants to invade.
** The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think
it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting
excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your
computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
**The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard
drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back
sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
** The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays
with it for life.
**The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with
a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers
from time to time.
** The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time
and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really
just interested in playing with your computer's data.
** The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a
regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
**The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages
that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it
returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in
an ugly network session.
** The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your
computer--if you're willing to pay the right price.
** The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring
your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and
trying to record its most intimate functions.
** The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on
other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
** The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely
new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
** The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions
that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one
that never does anything except monitor espn.com. -- This message is
done on 100% recycled electrons.

One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband gently tapped
his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turned
over and said, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment
tomorrow."
The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. Later,
he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in
her ear,
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

Once upon a time, there lived a man, who had a terrible passion for Baked
Beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and they fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, "she'll never go for me, carrying on
like
that", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. Shortly
after that, they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his new wife and told that her
that
he would be late home, because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe, and the wonderful aroma of the Baked Beans, overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any
ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving, he had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way
home he "Putt-Putted". He "putted" down one hill and he "putted" up the
next.
By the time he had arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him the door and seemed somewhat excited. "Darling, I have
the most wonderful surprise for your dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on
him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table. She made him promise
not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she had returned, and she went off to
answer
the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight onto
one leg and let rip. It was not only loud, but as "ripe" as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
around him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised
his leg and "rrrriiiiiipppp".
It sounded like a diesel engine revving up, and smelled worse. To keep
him from gagging, he tried fanning his arms for a while, hoping that the
smell
would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt
another urge coming on. He shifted his weight on to his other leg and let
go again. This one was a real "Blue Ribbon" winner. The windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and a minute later, the flowers on the table
were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for
the next ten minutes, farting and fanning himself each time with his napkin.
When he heard the "farewells" on the phone, (indicating the end of his
long loneliness and near freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of
innocence when his wife returned into the room.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at his dinner.
After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold from his
eyes and yelled, "Surprise!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve guests seated around the table
for dinner, for his surprise birthday party.

Hail to the chief.......
What are we coming to?
Netc

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to payfor it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

Is this you???

ladies, dont kill me on this one....
Glad Im a Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my
breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me to have these two balls and
stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work I won't remain bitter
and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I'm embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed. She said nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes,
said, "How soon do you have to know?"

Four expectant fathers were in the Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the
first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins." "What a
coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You,
sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, That's really an incredible
coincidence! " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at
work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing out cigars, the nurse
came back and announced to the third man that his wife had just given
birth to quadruplets. When he fell silent, the nurse asked, "Don't tell
me, another coincidence?"
After regaining his composure, he answered, "I don't believe it, I work
for the Four Seasons Hotel."
Upon hearing this, the fourth guy just fainted, flat out on the floor. The
nurse rushed to his side, and after slowly regaining consciousness, he was
heard whispering repeatedly, the same phrase over and over:
"I should have never taken that job at the 7-11..."
"I should have never taken that job at the 7-11..."
"I should have never taken that job at the 7-11..."

Thanks to JJCATHCART... Something to Talk About
"Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently
accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic, because she saw his
pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening,
he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all
night."
--End--

WHAT DO YOU CALL...
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have
both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as
his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there
are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG

I won't make any friends on this one!!!!

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to
be a really
good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the
morgue after
class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the
first guy and
there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little
strange, so
he pulls it out and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the
road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor
and drags the
poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls
the cork out
again, ". . . On the road again . . .."
The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he
says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"
the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the doctor
"Any asshole can sing country music!"

If you need to......

The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife:
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim
her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -(Deuteronomy
21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
lock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the
eal. --Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and
carry her off to be your wife.
- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you. -Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
Fourteen years of toil for a wife.
- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his
daughter for a wife
- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis
4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson
(Judges 14:1)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons,
hough). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in
Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1
Kings 11:1-3)

One day a blond woman decided to take a trip to Hawaii. She had been
planning this trip for about 10 years and was relieved when she
finally stepped foot on the plane. She sat down in first class, even
though her seat was in coach.
A couple minutes later a businessman walked in very tired from the
hard day at work. He looked at his ticket and tried to find his seat.
When he did he was surprised to see a blond woman in his seat. He
approached her and said, "Excuse me, but you're in my seat."
The woman looked up at him very puzzled and said, "I'm blond, I'm not
stupid, and this is my seat."
Even after trying to show the woman that he was right and she was
wrong, she would not move. After trying several times to get this
confused woman out of his seat, he decided to tell the flight
attendant. He went up to the attendant and said, "Excuse me, sir,
this blond lady won't get out of my seat."
The attendant said, "Sir, I have the perfect solution. Every year we
get one of these." The attendant went over to the woman and whispered
something in her ear. The woman sprinted to the back of the plane and
took a seat.
The businessman was amazed and asked what the hell he said to her.
The attendant turned around with a big smile on his face. "I told her
that only the back of the plane was going to Hawaii."

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as
Sister Mathematical and the other one is known as Sister Logical.
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at
the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in
one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened
to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast
as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down...

Hillbilly Honeymoon
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband
jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out
of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell
you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of
his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there, his
father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your
honeymoon."
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a
virgin."
"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough
for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

ADDICT CAUGHT USING FAKE PENIS FOR URINE TEST
Attempted to Hide Heroin Habit, Cops Say

SAN ANTONIO (APBnews.com) -- A heroin addict on probation for burglary tried to
pull a fast one on officers by using a fake penis to provide urine for a drug test,
authorities said today.

Micah Sheehan, 37, was caught using the sexual device during one of his mandatory
twice-weekly urine tests two weeks ago, said Bexar County Probation Director Caesar
Garcia.

"I've been around for 30 years, and I've never seen anything like this," Garcia told
APBnews.com.

'Many telltale signs'

A probation department technician who was watching Sheehan provide the urine sample
realized something was wrong because the bleached-pink fake penis was a different
color than Sheehan's skin, Garcia said.

Also, the urine was discharging from all different angles like water shooting from a
sprinkler, he said.