Web Archive

Here's a few stories to go along with those Disney Characters you wanted us to
list.
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to
visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a
little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2a.m. any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."
MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking
Goofy."
SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
To: opie , carla@..., Lstat18@...,
MDHarv2223@..., Perkicar@..., Swtbabygrl80@...,
AMLABELLE1 ,
"Angela Anderson (E-mail)" ,
Bobo , bobmilly ,
Deb Overcash , Emma ,
Holly Wells ,
Jennifer Daly ,
"Karen L. Conley" ,
Kim Polmanteer ,
Leah Van Bonn ,
Louise Hoelscher ,
lwellman ,
Peg Sturtz
,
rontammie ,
"Rotman, Donna" ,
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PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to
visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a
little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2a.m. any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."
MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking
Goofy."
SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket
and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Oh...............................................................by
the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Milking a cow
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local
tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low,
obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his
beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell
a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I
went to milk her this morning and she just kept
flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a
piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then,
the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!
So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my
stool right out from underneath me! But I was out
of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie
her other leg to the other side of the stall.
Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants
fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was
in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor
from you TODAY!"
carol

G'day Grump
It is about time I wrote and thanked you for your many good jokes as I do enjoy
them and they give me a jolly good laugh.
I just seem to get caught up with all my Emails and something goes wrong and I
am all behind again.
Ave a good day
Hugs Joy and be careful for I am a blonde.

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow
and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know!
I heard it snoring!"

c
=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

--- Behind closed doors ---
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi,
how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop
but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin
Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre
so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just travelling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the
conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN! I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

LOL for a long time over this one, just so
damned cute!

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Our first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage.
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch
I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped
too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own
lunch."

A new, young monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help
the other monks in copying the old Canons and Laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies NOT
from the original manuscripts. He goes to the Abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be
continued
in all subsequent copies. The Abbot said, "We have been copying from the
copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
The Abbot went down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscripts were held in a locked vault that hadn't been
opened for
hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. The
young monk, eventually, gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the
Abbot. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is
all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably. The young
monk asks "What is wrong father?"
And in a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE."

THEOLOGICAL DEBATE
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate
on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was
God
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A
WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST
DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
for him to do.

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up
a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No
one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck?
What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students
holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What
animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a
picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like
this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"

sounds like someone I know.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Norma I promise to be very careful on July 28th.
I sure hope this wasn't some kind of secret code
and you just let the cat out of the bag. But then
what would the secret message be?

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Norma these are hillarious.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Sounds just like something a latin lover would
say.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Norma you forgott the one about the Imodium for
people on the go.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Some home remedies:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are.
.
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I
apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

Chihuahua lovers will like this cutie.
Subject: three dogs & a lady

Don't go to the bathroom on July 28th. CIA intelligence reports
that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop
on the 28th will be bitten on the butt by an alligator. Reports
indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise
up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when
they are doing their dirty business.
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information
from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose
cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife
knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows
a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has
a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker
who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys
talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the
conclusion that we are going to be attacked. So it must be true.

For anyone who hasn't seen these yet...........
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a
logical explanation, but it escapes me)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

---
=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

I AGREEE!
=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Do you think that could be an excuse for so many
illigitimate children? When I had my oldest son
his father told me "If I take it out before I
come you won't get pregnant" Well let me tell you
this can be added to that list. Actually I found
out by reading the book Everything You allways
wanted to know about Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask.
Believe me when I thought I was I know why I was
afraid to ask. I was 18 and living at home. My
Mother had six of us and never told us anything,
I guess we were supposed to figure it out on our
own, I DID.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I
have
come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm Method'.
Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
ruptured
myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.
A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we were living
with
in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was
empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love
whilst
breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but
I
did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my
wife
was pregnant.
Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down
after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast
feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down
she
would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself
unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist demonstrated how easy
it
was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which
doesn't
really surprise me as I fail to see how a durex stretched over the
thumb, as
the chemist showed, can prevent babies.
She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several unsuccessful attempts
to
fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is
definitely
a right hand screw.
The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not
interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe
headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too
tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the 'Pill.' At first it kept falling out, then we
realised
we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees,
thus
preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did work for a while until
the
night she forgot the Pill.
You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I
will
have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never
substitute for the real thing.
Yours faithfully,

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her,
she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her,
"Hello, How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place!
How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter
welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven,
her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you
while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And, my wife and I travelled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.
I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer.
How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word ?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story:
Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.

Hmmm...you could end up converting me...
Grump.

--
=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

For those not familiar with this free product...it's a spyware removal tool
that helps to keep your PC trouble free & running faster.
Unless you use a tool similar to this regularly, your PC accumulates heaps
of these parasites just from visiting web pages.
From their site: www.lavasoft.de
Please Note Build 6.181 is now available! Support is no longer
available for previous builds and reference files.
Works about 10 times faster than the previous build.
Grump.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my
fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no,
but here's something you can try...on the wedding night,
when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and
slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in,
snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be
will fall for this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band
up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in",
she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks,
"What the *@#% was that?"
The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Norma,
This was so cute. I loved it.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR!
============================
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more
than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle:
"Me".

Grump this has allways been one of my favourites.

=====
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

For those who haven't heard this before, enjoy. :-)
Did you know..........?????
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is
a skein.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed on the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of
the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula".
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye."
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand,
lollipop" with your right.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
"uncopyrightable".
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs
five times: "indivisibility."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything!!!

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that
he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form
on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow
passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was
the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and
happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came
by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared
away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. THE
MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Lets see how many of you really know it all, I am no longer a know it all.
World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed!?
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends . .

Grump,
The blondes ok, but the hillbilly's got to go.
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

In a message dated 7/12/2003 11:52:56 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
letitbe@... writes:

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat
Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs
in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on
seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid
Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that,
Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a
leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to
take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later
when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her
eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this
morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the
air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm
coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her
down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.500 / Virus Database: 298 - Release Date: 7/10/2003

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on
Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next
to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old
drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Just wanted you to know I've got my eye on you. Move your mouse over it and see
for yourself if I'm not watching.
: _
ADVERTISEMENT
Click here: A.R.S.E.
WHEN THE PIC APPEARS DRAG YOUR MOUSE OVER IT
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:

A blonde was shopping at Kmart and came across a
silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she
picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask
what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing...
I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the
next day. Her boss, who was also a blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's
that?"
she asked. "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss. "What do you
have in it?"
"Two Popsicles and some coffee
A hillbilly takes his 13-year-old daughter to the gynaecologist. The
doctor asks if she is sexually active. The father says "No, she just
lays there like her mother."
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam,
computers do not have curtains...". The blonde said: - "Helloooo....
I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A's for arthritis
B's for bad back
C's for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N's for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P's for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X--as in X ray--will find
But through the word "terminal" rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
In the subway train the conversation turned to the pros
and cons of various ways of preserving health. One stout,
florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,
and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued,
"from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely
simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours,
no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was
in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the
morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner
-- a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's
exercise; then.."
"Excuse me for interrupting, sir," said the facetious stranger
in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the butthole? It is
called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for
giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't
believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

A dad realizes his boy has swallowed a quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the
market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then
she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're always bitter.
The first year student had just gotten a beat
up old VW Beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car
directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs.
Balls.
. . . . . Luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
"Don't criticize your wife.
If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you."

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on
it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins
to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

So very amazing! .
FLAVOR00-NONE-0000-0000-000000000000;
The Center Of The Bible
This is pretty strange how it worked out this way.
Even if you are not religious you should read this.
Q: What is the shortest chapter in the Bible?
A: Psalms 117
Q: What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
A: Psalms 119
Q: Which chapter is in the center of the Bible?
A: Psalms 118
Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118
Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118
Add these numbers up and you get 1188.
Q: What is the center verse in the Bible?
A: Psalms 118:8
Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our
lives?
The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their
lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the
center of His Word!
Psalms 118:8 (NKJV)
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."
Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?
When things get tough, always remember... Faith doesn't get you around trouble,
it gets you through it !!
"When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness."

Grump,
You still got it! You know I really like the one about Ever.
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Eve's Side of the Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit
Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells,
the sights - - everything is wonderful.
But I have just one problem.
It is these three breasts that you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly
knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches,
and snagging them on bushes
They are a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body
(such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she
felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced", as she put it."
That is a fair point, "replied God.
"But it was my first shot at this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those.
But I see that you are right.
I will fix it up right away."
God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed
it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation now?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part.
You see all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me.
I feel so alone.
"God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are
right.
How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from
a part of you.
Now let's see... Where did I put that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business
about the rib?
There was a father who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together, including picking up
women, which they referred to as "calling chickens".
One day, the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive.
Before his son left, the father told the son, "We cannot
'call chickens' together for the next few years.
However, if you need to call chicken, please go
ahead and I will pay for it.
But please state the expense as 'shooting birds'
so that your mom will not suspect."
So the son went overseas.
The first month, the father received a bill from the son marked
"shooting birds - $1000."
Then, for the next few months, the bill for "shooting birds"
was above $1000.
The father could not tolerate the expense any more,
so he wrote to his son saying, "Son, you have been shooting
birds that are too expensive.
Try some cheaper ones."
A month later, the father received another bill from his son.
It read: "Shooting Birds - $50; Rifle Repair - $2,000"

Proves that medical folks are right on top of things.
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just
how big IS "circus sized"?]
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Carrie,
The first viruses I ever thought of as cute and funny!
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

WARNING . . . Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee have
any solutions for these yet!!!
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly
expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be
back.
AND THE FAVORITE . . .
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy . .
. then discards it through Windows.

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
choose and enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock
effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s."
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem;
he was unable to get his penis erect.
The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around
the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection
and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might
work, if the man was willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an
elephant's trunk into the man's penis.
The man thought about if for a while.
The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex
again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect
on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go
try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs
that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately
sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed
a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her
face said, "That was incredible!
Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not
sure if another bread roll will fit up my ass.

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his
new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is.
"Top o' the morning to you".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those, son?"asks the attendant.
"They're called tees, " replies Tiger.
"And what wouldya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive", replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"

It was a beautiful Texas Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter,
woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there,
fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides
to take her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her:
"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back
as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice
couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming:
"Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!"
followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised
to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!!
You can have your deer!!!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in
London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop
for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up
her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home
with chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say
it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady
got what she wanted.
On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to
communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll the page down)
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo!! Her husband speaks English!!!!!
Now get back to work.

GUESS MY AGE
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels
really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys
a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same
question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young,
there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants
and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact
age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her
hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN:
D A M M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. M O M'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious
for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups, swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting skills.
D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of
Country Western music.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me
want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe
the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary
or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband or boyfriend, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the woman the time and trouble of doing it
herself.

G'day Kat,
Grandaughter Leah seems OK now but I still worry about her as her kidneys were
playing up and she almost ended up on dialysis. They said it was a severe kikney
infection and she was in intensive care in the hospital for a few days.
Hopefully they have cleaned it up with antibiotics but she still looks very
yellow and not at all well tired all the time.
I've had a few days off colour but seem to be OK now just very tired. All the
other grandchildren are fighting fit as I well know as it is school holidays and
I seem to have the job of being their entertainment.
It is wonderful your baby has made it to one year old a miracle although he must
be a lot of work and very demanding on his parents. However he was meant to be
and I am sure you will all gain so much love and understanding from him.
Hope you are keeping well and not run off your feet. I will have to go as it is
time to feed the mob.
Ave a good day
Hugs Joy

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin,
we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a
light bulb.
A: Who knows? they never get the house.
Q: What's the difference between a man and chimpanzee?
A: Well, one's a filthy animal covered in matted hair
that's always scratching his backside and the other is
a chimp
Q: What do you call a woman who wants to be equal
with men?
A: Unambitious.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride
says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm
not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day
and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other
guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to
the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call
room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger
do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed
to make love with his wife a second time. When they
finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to
get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and
makes love to his wife one more time. When they
finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No!!!!!!!!........ I'm calling Tiger Woods to find
out what's par for this hole!"

-Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
-In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
-No one expects you to run into a burning building.
-People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
-There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
-Things you buy now won't wear out.
-You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
-You can live without sex but not without glasses.
-You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
-You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
-You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
-You sing along with elevator music.
-Your eyes won't get much worse.
-Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.
-Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather service.
-Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
-Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
-You can't remember who sent you this list.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER.....
-Sag, You're it.
-Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
-20 questions shouted into your good ear.
-Kick the bucket.
-Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
-Doc Goose.
-Simon says something incoherent.
-Hide and go pee.
-Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
-Musical recliners.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE.....
-You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
-Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood
stove, he is using you to heat the family room this
winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.
-You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names
on them.
-The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's
Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
-You change your underwear after every sneeze.
-You're on so much oestrogen that you take your Brownie
troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Just so everyone knows this is real. I called the number and I'm going to
regester at the website. I get at least 50 of these calls a day.
From: Kjuliec@...
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2003 04:34:09 EDT
Subject: Do Not Call Service
To: kiitykat01352000@..., wwally88@..., Cramey928@...,
melisasm@..., Tomrecche1@..., johnpsa@...,
wolv63@..., Wrijules@..., uko@..., clarkstar@...
http://donotcall.gov/
This article was printed on the AOL cover page on 6/27/03. It is regulated by
the FTC (Federal Trade Commission) and is legitimate. JKC
FORT WORTH, Texas (June 27) - Striking back against telemarketers for countless
interrupted meals, the public poured an avalanche of discontent into the new
national do-not-call list Friday, registering more than 735,000 phone numbers on
the first day.
''They're a real pain in the neck,'' said Helen McKenna, 75, a retired writer
from San Diego. ''They don't mind if they interrupt your supper. Sometimes they
call when I'm asleep.''
McKenna tried to register for the free government service intended to block most
telemarketing calls, but she couldn't access the program's Web site at
www.donotcall.gov.
The Internet site responded slowly on the first day because of ''extraordinary
amounts of traffic,'' the Federal Trade Commission said. The FTC, which launched
the registry soon after midnight, said that at noon the Web site was being
visited 1,000 times every second. The agency scrambled to add more computer
equipment to handle the load.
Even more consumers registered by calling the toll-free number 1-888-382-1222,
which is available in states west of the Mississippi River, including Minnesota
and Louisiana. To ensure the system can handle the volume of calls, the number
will not operate nationwide until July 7.
Slightly more than half of the phone numbers registered by Friday afternoon were
done by phone, a system that ran smoothly, the FTC said.
''We expected a huge response and we've gotten it,'' said FTC spokeswoman Cathy
MacFarlane. ''Consumers need to remember there's no urgency in registering. The
registry has just opened and will continue to stay open.''
At a White House ceremony to inaugurate the registry, President Bush sympathized
with people annoyed by unwanted calls.
''When Americans are sitting down to dinner or a parent is reading to his or her
child, the last thing that they need is a call from a stranger with a sales
pitch,'' Bush said.
People who sign up this summer should see a decrease in telemarketing calls
after the FTC begins enforcing the list on Oct. 1. The service will block about
80 percent of the calls, the FTC said.
On the Web site, consumers provide the numbers they want protected and an e-mail
address to receive a confirmation message. The site also lets them remove a
number or verify that a number is registered.

NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.
PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.
PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.
PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.
RHUMBA - An asset to music.
SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.
SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.
STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.
TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.
TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.
TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.
VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.
VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

1. An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church,
late for the wedding.
An usher asked to see her invitation.
"I don't have one," she said.
"Well, then, are you a friend of the groom?" He asked.
"Hell NO," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Joy,
How has your grand daughter doing? Has she had her baby yet? My grand son with
the problems just turned a year old even though they said he wouldn't make it
past 6 months. Hope you are doing well.
Hugs and Prayers to you. I don't believe in Miracles I rely on them. Kathryn
Montgomery

Christy Beam <nutz4parrots@...
To: "mom"
,
"G-ma" ,
"kat" ,
"Mabel"
Subject: Fw: HUG, HUG,HUG
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 10:42:26 -0400

From: "Jennifer Weiss"
To: "Alesia Donner" ,
"Amy" ,
"Aunt-Cindy" ,
"Beck" ,
"BPFrank8" ,
"Bridget" ,
"deb thayer" ,
"Fezia Tyebally" ,
"Glenda" ,
"Jackie" ,
"Jenny" ,
"Judy" ,
"kathryn montgomery" ,
"Kim Alberson" ,
"Lisa" ,
"Lisa Coker"
,
"MA" ,
"Marie Padley" ,
"Michaelle" ,
"Michelle" ,
"Patty" ,
"Rebecca" ,
"Sue" ,
"Tammy" ,
"THOMAS GOUGH"
Subject: Fw: Hope you enjoy ladies!
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 07:17:59 -0500
When you take a Breath think of how greatful you are and remember those that
have lost a Breath and what Challenges they must face........

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet!"
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not
yet!"
Finally they ask, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries!"
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The 65 year old mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it!"

Quick Thinking #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench
coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."
Quick Thinking #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
Quick Thinking #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down
his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Quick Thing #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low
bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

That was too funny!!

How to forgive
One day a while back, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking
in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things
were not right. He thought about those who had lied about him back when
he had a job. His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and
cheated him. He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned
to the illness he had that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with
anger, resentment and frustration. Standing there this day, searching
for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he
knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be
there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed:
"Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have told
me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have
told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot. I don't know how. It
is not fair Lord. I didn't deserve these wrongs that were done against me
and I shouldn't have to forgive. As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing
I cannot do, for I don't know how to forgive. My anger is so deep Lord, I fear I
may not hear you, but I pray that you teach me to do this one thing I cannot do
- Teach me To Forgive." As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak
tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the
corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt. He could not turn to see
what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood
in the ground. He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large
spike through them.
He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus
hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a
torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw
the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the
man's tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.
"Have you ever told a lie?" He asked?
The man answered - "yes, Lord."
"Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?"
The man answered - " yes. Lord." And the man sobbed more and more.
"Have you ever taken something from work that wasn't yours?" Jesus asked. And
the man answered - "yes, Lord." "Have you ever sworn, using my Father's name in
vain? " The man, crying now, answered - "yes, Lord." As Jesus asked many more
times, "Have you ever"? The man's crying became
uncontrollable, for he could only answer - "yes, Lord." Then Jesus turned His
head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other
shoulder. He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus. When he looked back
up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never
seen or known before.
Jesus said, "I didn't deserve this either, but I forgive you." It may be
hard to see how you're going to get through something, but when you look
back in life, you realize how true this statement is. Read the following
first line slowly and let it sink in.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Lord I love You and I need You, come into my heart, today. For without
You, I can do nothing.
Pass this message to 7 people except you and me.
You will receive a miracle tomorrow. If you choose not, then you refuse
to bless someone else.

My wife and I had bought some gadgets for our teenage grandsons and were leaving
the store when we realized we didn't have batteries.
I stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the
attention of the clerk.
I waited for a little while then, pulled out my pocket tape measure and started
measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of
furniture to reach my side in jig time.
To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries
over there."
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
Advice from the Good Book
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was
very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and
it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another
day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold
and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Gates."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed the
ever-present Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He
opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
Marie, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She
was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing
shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her
resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that
she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the
reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank
you for the scrumptious vegetable lasagna recipe."

Subject: Fw: Dead Rabbit
The Dead Rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid
hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in
front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well
as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that
he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees
the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?
"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead
rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down
the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops off out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and
demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on
that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can
read the label.
It says.....
(Are you ready for this?)
Are you sure?
This is bad!
You know you could just click off and not read the punch
line.
You know you're gonna be sorry.
Last chance.
OK here it is.!
It says......
Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent
wave.

Note: forwarded message attached.

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
or make you get out of the pond naked."
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
JohnMDaniel@...
Date: Sun, 15 Jun 2003 10:55:00 EDT
Subject: Fwd: Moral is right
To: MajorHerb@...
CC: GatorJean1@..., GRBS2@..., Cjhypes1@..., jdimski@sbcgloba=
l.net,
CharLee6751@..., rjpnamp@..., RSch462636@...,
SandyDurr@...
please read my husband's story at:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item.php?item_id=598773

Joy,
Thanks for the lovely idea. I know alot of people who could use one of those
little bags.
Prayers from Me to You Kat

G'day all,
Third try to do this maybe lucky.
Put an eraser, a coin, a marble, a rubber band, some string, a heart,
a star, a small teddy bear, and a small toy angel into a celephane or
organza bag and tie up with a pretty boy.
Make a card with angels for you on it and on the inside place the
following.
A BAG OF WONDERFUL WISHES FOR YOU.
AN ERASER. To make all of those mistakes go away.
A COIN. So you will never be broke.
A MARBLE. For those days when you have lost yours.
A RUBBER BAND.To help you stretch beyond your current limits.
SOME STRING. To hold it all together when life seems to be
falling apart.
A HEART. To remind you that somebody loves you.
A STAR. To remind you to always reach for the stars.
A BEAR. For those oft needed hugs.
and
AN ANGEL To help look after you.
Give it to a friend and wait for the smiles
Ave a good day
Hugs Joy

Grump,
Wasn't her hubby a sweeti?
Prayers from Me to You Kat

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the
front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going, and she replied,
"I'm going to Las Vegas."<